


Life, while it can be found

by vague_ambition



Series: to love and be loved [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Battle of the Astronomy Tower, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Canon Compliant, Canon Fix-It, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Families of Choice, Friendship, Genderfluid Nymphadora Tonks, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Lupin & Tonks Friendship, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Mention of Death, Non-Romantic Relationship, POV Nymphadora Tonks, Queer Character, Queer Themes, References to Friends (TV), but it doesn't become like an actual relationship, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-24 17:05:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16644263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vague_ambition/pseuds/vague_ambition
Summary: “We don’t have to actually date.” she continued, holding up a hand. “We can pretend to date. We can hold hands around Molly, and then not see one another outside of when we’re around the others.” Remus looked like he was considering her offer, which encouraged her to say the possibly more insane part of her plan. “And that would be completely fine. But. Don’t you get tired of waking up alone?”“Tonks…”“I’m not interested in falling in love with you. I’m not interested in romance,” she pressed on. “I know I will probably die in this war, and you probably will too, and so will a great many people. And before then, I want to be able to at least have a friend who I don’t have to pretend to be okay around.”or, explaining Remus and Tonks without compromising either canon or queerness.





	Life, while it can be found

Nymphadora Tonks stared at herself in the mirror, willing herself to turn her hair pink. It didn’t work. Of course it didn’t work. It hadn’t worked since...well.

She was one of the youngest Aurors in centuries, along with James Potter and Sirius Black. She had an incredibly rare ability. She was smart, and she was quick with her wand, and she was brave and strong and she was not going to fucking lose it because her girlfriend had been murdered in her bed.

If possible, her hair got mousier at that thought.

It had been months since Emmeline had been murdered, and her abilities showed no signs of recovering. Her patronus had even changed, echoing Em’s German Shepherd. She knew that Molly was worried about her, taking it upon herself to act as a kind of mother figure--never mind that her actual mother was alive and well. She knew Molly wasn’t the only one.

For fuck’s sake, they were all acting as if she was as badly off as Remus. He had barely left Grimmauld Place for anything other than Order business since Sirius had been killed. Molly had repeatedly been either inviting them both over or dragging Tonks along with her to visit Remus, in some kind of harebrained second-chance-at-love scheme for both of them. And Molly was lovely, and she was dear. But neither Tonks nor Remus wanted a second chance at love, they just wanted to mourn their first chances.

Remus had been putting Molly off with some excuses about how he was too old, or damaged goods, or not good for Tonks. Tonks, and Molly, were inclined to disagree with him, so it was virtually useless. Plus, Emmeline had been a year older than him, which Molly was unfortunately aware of. So it was an extremely poor excuse, and it didn’t stop Molly from driving either one of them around the bend with well-meaning attempts to arrange a happiness that probably wasn’t going to come.

Like now, when Molly had oh-so-transparently invited both Remus and Tonks to meet her for tea and then just Floo-ed Tonks to tell her that something had come up--suspiciously vague, Molly wasn’t much for subtlety--but she hadn’t been able to catch Remus so would Tonks just nip over and pass the news on? Tonks rolled her eyes at her reflection and decided that it was as good as it was going to get, not used to being so uncomfortable in her own skin, and headed to the Muggle coffee shop they had agreed upon.

“Wotcher, Remus,” she said, sliding in across from him.

“I’m assuming Molly had a very bad and transparent excuse?” he asked in lieu of a greeting. Tonks snorted.

“Got it in one. I’ll get drinks, what do you want?”

“Anything I can spike with Firewhisky, I think.” Remus said, mirth flickering in his eyes briefly. “To prepare for Molly’s next move, I think.”

Tonks let out a low whistle, “I like the way you think, Lupin.” She came back with two hot chocolates, which Remus made swift work of doctoring.

“So,” Remus began. “It seems Molly won’t leave us alone.”

“She cares,” Tonks agreed. “But she’s not much for listening to those she cares about, is she?”

“Certainly not,” Remus chuckled. “I told her it’s almost just a year since…” He flinched. “And for you, not even...”

“It’s only been eleven months,” Tonks murmured. “We’d been together since a month after I joined the Aurors.”

“I’ve loved him for more than half my life,” Remus responded in kind. She reached across the table and grabbed his hand, and then a thought struck her.

“Listen. I have an idea. It’s a bit mad, and you don’t have to agree, but it’s an idea nonetheless.” She said quickly.

“If it will get Molly off our backs, I’m game,” he shrugged, an expression which must have accompanied many a reluctant agreement of the pranks Tonks had heard so much about when she was still at Hogwarts.

“She wants us to date, right? So why don’t we just...date?”

“Tonks, I can’t…”

“We don’t have to actually date.” she continued, holding up a hand. “We can pretend to date. We can hold hands around Molly, and then not see one another outside of when we’re around the others.” Remus looked like he was considering her offer, which encouraged her to say the possibly more insane part of her plan. “And that would be completely fine. But. Don’t you get tired of waking up alone?”

“Tonks…”

“I’m not interested in falling in love with you. I’m not interested in romance,” she pressed on. “I know I will probably die in this war, and you probably will too, and so will a great many people. And before then, I want to be able to at least have a friend who I don’t have to pretend to be okay around.”

“And that translates to not waking up alone, how?”

“Perhaps a friend-with-benefits.” Tonks said, flushing a little bit. “Look, I told you it was a bit mad. But I have no interest in dating. Don’t want to try to find someone to fuck. But for god’s sake, Remus, we could die tomorrow. Might as well get some living in, y’know?”

“Let me get this straight.” Remus shook his head. “You are propositioning me to have a platonic relationship where we pretend to be dating but also have sex?”

“I suppose. A relationship without feelings. Because I’m pretty sure you and I only have feelings for the dead.” She shrugged, actually feeling a tad nervous. Remus threw his head back and laughed.

“Nymphadora Tonks.” He said finally. “I suppose I could be amenable to that. It is wartime, after all. Could be dead tomorrow. On two conditions.”

“Yes?” Tonks quirked an eyebrow.

“If we survive the war, we split. I’ll never fall in love again, and you might neither, but I don’t want you to be saddled to me in case you do meet someone.” Tonks nodded. She was young, and she knew it was possible. Just not right now. Not until they were safe. Then Remus’s smile turned absolutely wicked. “And, I get to call you by a nickname.”

“You cannot call me Nymphadora.”

“Dora.”

“Fine.”

***

While they had planned out exactly how they would reveal to Molly that they were dating, two days later, Tonks decided to go a bit off-script.

“Seriously?” he said, as they set off towards Hogsmeade after a very long night.

“Look, I think everyone needed a bit of a shock. A good one. Nice improv, by the way.”

“Marauder. Had to lie to McGonagall more times than I pleased.”

“Liar.”

“Fine, I enjoyed every minute of it, especially in retrospect.” They started laughing, amusement which turned into hysteria.

“Dumbledore’s dead.” Tonks said, finally, when they had stopped laughing. Remus nodded, sobered. “It’s really going to be war now, isn’t it.”

“I’m afraid so.”

“Let’s go back to yours.”

“Mine?”

“Only I’m staying at my mum and dad’s right now. Not sure if I want to field that right now.”

“Oh. Oh.”

“Seal the deal and all that.”

“Dumbledore is dead,” Remus repeated, slowly.

“And we’re still alive.” He looked at her searchingly, and then nodded, grabbing her hand as they reached the entrance to Hogsmeade. With a _crack_ , they were gone.

***

Once in Grimmauld Place, Tonks felt distinctly nervous. She had a policy about sex: she wouldn’t have it until she talked to them about what her abilities meant, for her. Luckily, Remus didn’t try to jump to the bedroom right away, but set about pulling out teacups.

“Dumbledore is dead,” she said once more, almost stupidly, pulling the tea leaves away from him and grabbing whiskey instead, pouring it directly into the teacups in the early morning light.

“And we’re still alive.” Remus echoed her words from earlier as he handed her a mug.

“I’ll drink to that.” She clinked her glass to his and they both drank deeply. She felt a little braver with the liquor. “Hey. Before...if we’re to do this. How much do you know about Metamorphmagi?”

Remus looked at her, surprise on his face. “What do you mean?”

“Like, Metamorphmagi and gender,” she clarified.

“Uh…” Okay. So that was a nothing.

“Okay. Well. Usually when a Metamorphmagus is born, once their abilities present themselves, they cycle through a few things pretty quickly,” she explained, hoisting herself onto the counter and letting her feet dangle as she poured herself some more whiskey. “It starts with the hair, usually in color, sometimes in length. Kids usually can’t figure out major facial features until they’re about six or so. But genitalia starts changing within a couple weeks.”

“Wait, really? I’d never heard of that.”

“Yeah, it’s not like, the most commonly discussed thing in the world,” she rolled her eyes. “Which, don’t even get me started on. But the point is, that Metamorphmagi kids change genitalia, and presumably, biological sex, although heaven forbid anyone ever do a study on it, for the first few years of their life. Once they become aware of it, it’s not random--same as the hair, or facial features. But I’m not sure when you first realized the difference between a cock and a vagina, but it’s kind of the same. Until the kid knows that the switching isn’t normal, they don’t really bother to control it. Freaked my parents out, let me tell you.”

“Okay?”

“And most settle into one gender or the other at some point and just stick with it.” She paused.

“But?” Clever man, that Lupin.

“Some of us don’t,” she shrugged, carefully, nervously. “Switch when we feel like it. Use male pronouns one day, female pronouns the next. Some of us prefer one or the other, or default to the gender we were assigned at birth but then change when we don’t want to be that. It’s hard to explain, I guess.”

“No, I think I get it,” Remus said, cautiously. “I mean, it’s not like Metamorphmagi are the only people who don’t identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, or change sometimes. You just have the ability to do something about it, physically. I’m pretty sure there’s Muggle methods that some Muggle-borns use, even.” Tonks nodded.

“Yeah. So I guess I fall into the latter category.”

“So you’re telling me that you sometimes want to have sex while you have a vagina and sometimes not?” He seemed remarkably unfazed.

“Yeah, and like pronouns and stuff.”

“Cool.” Well. Even Emmeline hadn’t reacted that casually to it.

“That’s it?” She asked, shocked. Remus shrugged.

“I mean, I’m a werewolf. We live in my dead boyfriend’s house, whose idea of a good time back in school was to steal some of Lily’s hair, throw it into Polyjuice, and use it to mess with James.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, not till after we became friends, though. She let him do it, Sirius had _some_ morals. Anyway. I feel like I’ve seen a lot of things, and if this is how you are, I can work with it. I’ve had fuck buddies who preferred to switch pronouns before, believe it or not. Some Muggle clubs in the mid-eighties were quite progressive.”

“Thanks.”

“Plus, I like both, so it works for me.” He said, grinning. Tonks chuckled. “How d’you want to let me know? What pronouns you want?”

“I can change my face, idiot.” Honestly. Men.

“Oh. Right. Muggles cannot do that, in my defense.”

“Hey, also,” she said, slidling a little closer to him. “You know another thing about Metamorphmagi. We can look however you want us to look. Bigger tits, the like.”

“Yeah, but you can look however you want to look, right?” Remus looked at her in utter confusion. She nodded, not sure where he was going with his question. “So why would I want bigger tits or whatever, if I’m having sex with you? You clearly look the way you do because you want to. Why would I ask you to change that, if that’s how you like to look? Just...if I wanted to have sex with someone else, I would. But I dunno, you’re my friend, and we’ve talked about this, and I like you the way you are.”

For the first time since Em’s death, Tonks’s hair turned a bright pink.

***

They worked together well. Tonks had to commend herself. They were on the same page, and they were getting what they needed, and nobody had any expectations of the other. And if she said the wrong name during climax, or he did, neither of them commented on it later. Molly was, predictably, delighted when they turned up to Dumbledore’s funeral together, and Tonks liked not having to field her mother’s worries when she came home every night.

They had always gotten along, but Tonks found herself growing quite close to Remus. He threw Muggle books in her direction when she complained about being bored, and aimed different ones for her head when she complained that Jane Eyre was a complete dishrag of a person. She dragged him to a few of the Muggle clubs she and Em had frequented, before everything went to shit. And on days when Tonks had sharper cheekbones, a firmer jawline, and broader shoulders, Remus never called him a girl. It was nice.

They settled into an easy routine. Tonks was able to convince Remus to rent a flat with her, coaxing him out of the place that had as good as killed his lover. And if she paid for the majority of it, well, he didn’t need to know that she was lying to him about the rent. They had separate bedrooms (“like in one of your Victorian novels,” Tonks had joked) but fell asleep together as often as not, needing the comfort of another person, if not the person either of them would have preferred. Remus showed Tonks how James, Lily, and Sirius had managed to get a muggle record player working, and Tonks had delightedly purchased a TV, which they rigged in the same way. They developed an inordinate amount of fondness for the sitcom Friends, and tried to make sure they were on the couch for each new episode.

Of course, this was all shattered when Remus was sent on a three day reconnaissance mission with the werewolves.

Tonks missed him more than she had expected, and was settling down with a glass of wine to watch Friends alone when a knock sounded on their door. Tonks jumped up, expecting to see Remus, but her heart sank to see Mad-Eye on the other side. House calls from Order members were always a bad thing.

“Is Remus okay?” she blurted out, not even bothering to greet him.

“No. He’s in Mungo’s. Unfortunately, Fenrir Greyback had already gotten to the werewolf colony he was investigating. They knew he was a member of the Order, and they didn’t like it. Most of them knew some magic”

“Fuck,” Tonks said, grabbing her coat in a swift motion.

***

St. Mungo’s was extremely frustrating, to say the least.

“Please, I just need to see Remus Lupin,” she insisted to the Welcome Witch.

“I’m sorry ma’am,” the Welcome Witch insisted. “He’s in a severe condition and is in no state to receive visitors.”

“I’m not a fucking visitor! We live together!” She threw her hands up in extreme exasperation.

“I’m sorry, Miss…”

“Tonks.”

“Miss Tonks, but only immediate family can visit until the patient has regained consciousness and given coherent permission for extrafamilial visitors. Should you contact his family, they can also grant you permission.”

“He doesn’t have any bloody family left! I’m his girlfriend, I’m all he’s got!”

“I’m sorry Miss Tonks, but that’s hospital policy.”

“Can you at least contact me when he is conscious? Or update me on his condition?”

“I’m sorry, only immediate family can receive medical updates of any kind.”

Tonks resigned herself to camping out in the waiting room. Fucking hospitals.

***

It was nearly twelve hours before the Welcome Witch called out her name.

“Nymphadora Tonks? Your friend is awake and said you can come in. He’s on the fourth floor, first door to the right of the lift.” She jumped up and took the stairs rather than wait for the lift.

Remus was sitting upright in bed, half of his face mottled by a nasty bruise, with the rest looking even paler than usual. He smiled at her when she entered, though.

“Wotcher, Remus,” she said, attempting not to let how scared she had been show. “Can’t let you off on your own for two days, can I?”

“Apparently not,” he shrugged, and then winced. Tonks moved closer to the bed, and could see that almost every single part of Remus’s body that was exposed was bruised.

“Why’re you in spell damage?” she asked. It looked like he should be somewhere that dealt more with physical injuries.

“I guess I was in a magical coma or something? Had a bunch of magical suppression spells on me too. Somebody taught them some nasty defensive magic--most of them were definitely not formally trained, which made them pretty dangerous.”

Tonks swore under her breath. “How could Mad-Eye send you somewhere like that without screening it? Let alone the toll it takes on your mental health to go do missions like that.” Remus chuckled. “What?”

“Sirius used to say the same exact thing. Complete with the swearing.”

“Well, he was right!” she said hotly. Remus smiled at her fondly. “They wouldn’t let me in to see you. Because I wasn’t immediate family. Merlin, Remus, if you had been seriously hurt I wouldn’t have seen you again, Mungo’s wouldn’t let me. They would’ve just made all medical decisions without asking _anyone_ and there was nothing I could do and you’re putting your bloody life in danger all the time and--”

“Why don’t you be?” he cut her off. She stopped in her tracks to stare at him.

“Why don’t I be what?” she asked, confused.

“Why don’t you be immediate family? Everyone thinks we’re together anyway, we live together, you’re my best friend--living, anyway--and I wouldn’t want to be stuck outside when you were hurt at this point any more than you want to be. I mean, we’ve got everything a relationship needs except for, y’know, romantic feelings, which is what makes it messy anyway. We’re in a war, the most we can hope for is somebody who cares about us being able to visit us in hospital.”

“Remus Lupin. Are you proposing to me?” Tonks said, slowly. He flushed on the non-bruised part of his face. “I must say, I thought it would be a tad more romantic.”

“Dora. My light. Love of my life. Sun of my days,” he retorted drily. She rolled her eyes at him in lieu of the friendly shove she would have given him had his skin not been more purple than anything else. “Marry me?”

“I suppose I don’t have any other prospects,” she teased. “Fine, you daft werewolf.”

“You’re a nuisance.” She stuck her tongue out at him in response.

“Yeah but you just asked me to be _your_ nuisance.”

“Unfortunately it would seem I have.”

***

They got married in the Ministry the day Remus was released from Mungo’s. Tonks got her mother to be her witness, and Bill Weasley was Remus’s, by virtue of him being the only Weasley home when they Floo called. Bill made several jokes about how much easier it was to elope, Andromeda cried, and afterwards, they drank hot chocolate doctored with Firewhiskey, as they had the day that they had made their strange pact. As she laughed with her new husband, though, Tonks couldn’t help but feel like she had made the most of what the war had left her with. At least she had a close friend who she trusted, and who trusted her in kind. She, as most people who could die tomorrow should, had been able to make a life while life could still be found.

**Author's Note:**

> And just assume that Teddy happened because they forgot to use protection and Lupin's freak out was just because the whole not-wanting-to-trap-Tonks thing, and continue reading for a real fix-it (for Lupin, sorry Tonks)


End file.
